Surrender or be terminated

I'm not sure what hormonal imbalance has led to my week of angst-y adoption posts. I feel like I should have on heavy, black eyeliner, at least one piece of clothing with a safety pin in it, and The Cure or maybe The Smith playing mournfully in the background. I swear this will be the last one for a bit...

All of these post made me think about the language of adoption. And the power our word choices have, not just in adoption, but all the time. All of the paperwork that Pie's birthparents had to sign was filled with words like relinquish, terminate, and surrender. Her birthfather said he felt like he was signing up for a war. We joked about it, but it made me think about how harsh that language is. I understand that the legal documents have to be air-tight, and unquestionable, but do they have to marginalize the birthparents so much?

Birthparents/mom/dad/family is another source of language confusion. We had a brief conversation with Pie's birthparents and that's the terminology they prefer. But I've heard biological parents, first parents, initial parents...I don't know which is the most appropriate. Anybody who falls into that category, please feel free to teach me the etiquette. Because of our previous relationship with Pie's birthparents there has been an ease to that piece of it. They have also jokingly referred to themselves as our baby mama, baby daddy, incubator and unintentional surrogate. I'm not sure that what they are called is all that important to them, but we try to be as respectful about it as we can.

But above and beyond all of that is the word "real" used in reference to adoption. This one makes me want to shank somebody. And believe me, I've watched enough prison escape/life in prison/crazy shit prisoners can make shows with Husband to know all I need is a toothbrush and a lighter, or a Bic pen and some duct tape, and I could do some damage. What I mean is when people ask what Pie's "real" parents are like, or if we intend to have "real" children. As if anyone in this situation is imaginary. WE are Pie's REAL parents. So are her birthparents. Each of us is equally important in the equation. And Pie is our REAL daughter. If we win the lottery some day and have endless amounts of money to throw at fertility treatments and end up with a biological child, that will be our REAL child too. I'm not sure what it is about adoption that makes people lose their sense of decorum. I have no problem talking about the adoption, or the fact that Pie is adopted, but it makes me crazy when people assume that her brthparents are felons or drug addicts or that there would be some struggle to bond with Pie because she's not our biological child.

Several of you have mentioned that you love reading the adoption stories and I get the sense that you may be curious. Honestly, I am an open book about it. If you have questions feel free to ask, just be aware of your language...otherwise I'll have to get my stabbin' knife.

Here's my REAL daughter kicking back in her swing. "What up my peeps?"

All in the family

Some of you clever, and no doubt attractive people may have noticed that one of my more frequent commenters is a gentleman named Marc. He's my big brother. Hi Marcy! That's Marc-ee, not Mar-see for anyone wondering. I'm not generally in the habit of calling my brother by a girls' name. Surely you can't be serious. I am serious. And stop calling me Shirley!

But I digress...my brother has two children. They are adopted. Both are Vietnamese. He opened our family up to adoption. Before I even knew there were fertility issues, I was interested in adoption after seeing my brother's experience. His path through adoption has been both similar and really different than mine.

With both children he was aware of them for several months prior to taking custody of them. He had pictures, and if I remember correctly a video of my niece playing with some toys. He had to wait, and wait, and wait, and jump through unbelievable legal hoops to complete both of his international adoptions. All the while having only a picture or two to look at of these children that would become his.

My niece and nephew are the first grandchildren for my parents. They are the first children among the siblings. Period. They have never been the adopted children, followed by the biological children. They simply ARE my brother's children. That paved the way for my little Pie. She is the sixth grandchild for my parents and the sixth child among the siblings. Period.

My brother's children have always known they were adopted. It has always been an open part of their lives. No big deal, just part of their path. Obviously this was slightly more necessary with them since these two smartie pies would probably have started to wonder why they appeared to be Asian and my brother is a good Irish/English boy. We intend to have the same approach with Pie. We already talk to her about being adopted. The baby version anyway. And we will continue to add info to that story as she gets older. She is adopted. Period. She has brown hair. Period. It is a fact of her life.

Another point of difference with my brother's adoptions is the family contact. They have some information about my niece's birthmother, but nothing about her birthfather. They know nothing at all about my nephew's birthfamily. We know, and have known, Pie's birthparents for a bit. They will be a part of her life. It is an odd course to navigate.

I'm not sure there is any point here...just some things on my mind...

UPDATED: Had to double check with my brother first about putting the pics up...but wanted to share with you my gorgeous niece and nephew.

Adoption schsmoption

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been reading about it, worrying about it, dreaming about it, and thinking about it sort of incessantly.

I've been reading about it on all kinds of new adoption blogs I've come across. One that I fell in love with is Production, Not Reproduction. It's funny, well written, and full of resources. I'm a little overwhelmed by it. And suddenly feel like I need to use my evil blogging power for good.

I've been worrying about it because we are still waiting for our finalization date. Right now it's scheduled for about a month from now, but we've already been bumped from the docket once, so I'm just crossing my fingers. The whole situation still feels like a dream to me. I know that I am Pie's mom, but it doesn't feel concrete. It doesn't feel unshakable.

I've been dreaming about it in the last week or so. I had a lovely dream that Pie's birthparents came to visit her and told us that they were expecting again. That they were still in the same situation and wanted us to take that baby as well. Of course we were thrilled. Having a sibling for Pie would be beyond fantastic.

Ever since the dream I've been thinking about it non stop. I don't know that it will happen. It's greatly unlikely from Pie's birthparents. After her birth, her birthmother took long-term birthcontrol steps. Pie fell into our lap and was beyond a surprise. I can't see lightening like that striking twice.

It's such an odd and amazing situation to be in. Even after 5 months (plus the 7 weeks we knew beforehand) I still haven't found my footing.

Perfection

Yesterday was absolute perfection.

I had some morning snuggles with Husband and Pie. Then I took the longest shower in recorded history. I used every single fancy-pantsy shower product I have...scrubs, conditioners, masks, polishers, etc. It was heaven. Then we just hung out all day. We got Pie an inflatable pool this weekend and had the inaugural splash yesterday. She loved it! It's big enough for husband and I to sit in too, so the three of us hung out and splashed and kicked. You know those moments that just overwhelm you...with happiness, with love, with a sense that you are in the exact right place at the exact right time? Being in the pool with Husband and Pie was one of those. Just thinking about it makes my stomach drop a little.

And I got some awesome presents to boot! I got some clothes, movies and Amazon gift cards (woo hoo!). And I also got:

This print which I LOVE. It from Etsy (of course)...a shop called Tiny Showcase. This artist is giving half of the proceeds to the Gulf Restoration Network, so it was a double gift.And I got this necklace with my little family's initials on it. AMAZING. And what a shock, another Etsy purchase. This is from a shop called Soul Peaces.
And best of all, I got lots and lots of gummy smiles, and drool-y kisses from this little love.

Hooray for Friday

1. Friday Follow and Blog Hop...welcome new and old! Wow that has the Brownies/Girl Scout song in my head now. Anybody know that one? Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. Great Now that's going to be stuck in my head...

Friday Follow is hosted by Tami from Hearts Make Families, Ian from The Daily Dose of Reality, and Harriet from Harriet and Friends. It’s Friday Follow with a twist and I'm loving it!!

Blog Hop Friday is hosted by My New Life As Mom, Chubby Cheeks Thinks, Take A Mom's Word For It, Bree Bee's, This Adventure Our Life and Belly Charms!

2. Tomorrow my little Pie will be 5 months old. Holy crap.

3. Sunday I will be 33 years old. Holy crap-er.

I don't really have much today. I hope you all have a great weekend and find some wonderful new blogs. I always do!!

I'm impressed

Continuing the theme of Pie and her giant eyes....the other night she was looking around, taking everything in and we caught eyes. Jokingly Husband said you should have a staring contest with her.

I laughingly agreed, thinking "I've so got this in the bag. I'm going to beat the pants of this baby." Apparently my confidence was misplaced. Pie won. And won big. We spent the rest of the night in staring contests. Surprisingly she seemed to know what was going on. She paused her normal surveillance of the world to put me in my place. Pie won every. single. time. I need to make her a onsie that says "Staring Contest Champion".

In other news, here's a saucy little picture of Pie from the other day. Don't be scandalized by the thigh she's trying to show you by pulling her shorts up. She can't help her appeal.

Wordless Wednesday

The {eyes} have it...

PS - Ignore the copious amounts of drool...poor teething baby.