Heart = broken

Pie slept in her own room for the first time last night, well part of the night anyway. And holy crap how I cried. Husband did to, but in a very manly, "I just lost several digits in a home improvement project gone wrong" kind of way.

I present to you this modern day tragedy in three parts.

PART I
Husband and I spent most of Pie's nap times yesterday working on her room. We got her so quickly that we didn't have time to do anything prior to her arrival. So the room has been a work in progress ever since. And by midday yesterday, we finally had it settled. It was time for the big move. Pie is getting too big for her bassinet. There was no choice.

PART II
At bedtime we took Pie into her room, fed her, and then laid her in her crib. She looked at me with great confusion. We calmed her and then snuck from the room. Within minutes she was screaming bloody murder. We were pacing teary-eyed in the hall. We went back in to sooth her again, and upon seeing us she moved her freak out to a new level. I couldn't deal. I picked her up and instantly she was calm. We decided to try again at her next feeding and took her back into our room. The moment we walked through the door she started smiling and cooing. It was insanely cute. It was also making the whole process much more difficult.

PART III
At her 4:30 feeding, Husband took her back into her room to feed her. I came in and snuggled with her a bit. She ate and was changed then came back to me for further snuggling. This time when I put her in the crib, she squirmed a bit but went to sleep. We snuck out of the room. Walking into our room minus Pie and all her baby sleeping apparatus was heartbreaking. I felt empty. We crawled back in bed and I cried some more, but Pie slept on oblivious to our struggle. I seriously considered swaddling the moniter and putting it in the bassinet so I could pretend she was still in the room.

I think tonight we may try some different things to have her in her room for the full night. It's incredibly hard for us, but it's the right thing for her. She's growing so fast and is borderline too big for the bassinet. Having her in our room is completely selfish. I miss her so much during the day and I love going to sleep hearing her heavy breathing. I love waking up and seeing her sweet little face right next to me. It seems so grown up and so far away to be in her own room. I've got to suck it up though. It's time.

Turning corners

My little Pie was 12 weeks old yesterday. I don't know how that happened. I've always heard people say things like "pay attention...it goes by so fast." But I had no idea. Standing by the side of the bed watching her be born was a heartbeat ago, a blink. And at the same time it seems as though she's been with us forever.

In the last week or two it seems as though she's made some huge transitions. She has moved up a size in diapers, up a size in bottles, up a size in clothes, up in the number of hours she sleeps at night, up in the number of hours she is awake during the day. They don't seem like such huge things...big deal...she gained weight and has to use a bigger diaper now. Intellectually I get that. Emotionally it feels like she's already such a big girl.

With all of our fertility issues this little Pie may be the only child we have. And every milestone, no matter how small, is both exhilarating and a little bit sad. I can't wait for her first word, her first step. I imagine all of the things we'll do together and revel in the anticipation. And at the same time wish I could freeze-frame her. Keep her so tiny that her foot can disappear completely in my grasp. Keep her happy to sleep on my chest, so close that I can smell her milky breath and feel her heartbeat against mine. I would imagine that is a base struggle for all parents.