July 1, 2010

Open Adoption Roundtable #17

***UPDATED*** Feel free to comment one and all. I probably should have mentioned that you don't need to participate in the OAR to give me your two cents. I'm always happy to hear what you think...

So this is my first OAR...and of course I had to start with a tough one. The question is from Susiebook at Endure for a Night.

From Susiebook: Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I've also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

My Answer: There aren't things I purposely hide from my daughter's birthparents. There are things, however, that I don't feel compelled to share. We are about to go on vacation I don't think I need to mention that. I'm sure we'll share pictures of Pie's first sand/ocean experience when we get back, but I don't feel like it's necessary to keep them informed of our movements. We always share the milestone things, doctor's appointments, firsts, funny things she does, and we're happy and proud to do that. They also know about our life outside of my daughter directly. They know we'd like more kids. And by like more kids I mean we'd kick old ladies and knock down puppies for more kids. We're very upfront with them.

We already talk to my daughter about her being adopted. We'll fill in the story as she gets older and can understand more. We will always be completely open about that with her. Plus she will have her birthparents in her life, so she can get their side of the experience directly from them. She will not have to rely on us to make assumptions on their behalf, or try to decode the how and why of their part in the triad.

As far as the birthparents go, I know they hide things from us. We hear things through mutual friends that they don't tell us. Things I think are important. I assume, though, that they are not hiding things to be malicious or the be dishonest. I don't know if that's an extension of their youth, or if they simply don't feel it would be important for us to know. I think things related to their stability are of interest to us. If they are going to be involved with my daughter, I want to know that they are stable. I want to know that they are in a good mental state. I want to know that their behavior won't be damaging to my daughter. I don't know if that's fair or not, but it seems like a reasonable enough request.

10 comments:

-K said...

I love it. Open, honest, direct. Brilliant.

sara said...

K - Thanks. I hadn't really stopped to think about this question until the OAR came up. Was an interesting thing to write.

The Mommy said...

Very interesting. Thanks for sharing your answer with us. Love your honesty.
By the by, there is an award waiting for you on my blog. You totally deserve the acclaimation. Cone and grab it!

sara said...

The Mommy - Thank you and thank you! I get nervous sharing this kind of stuff...but I think it's good to get it out.

Kayla said...

Wow I am still amazed at how close you are to Pies birthrents. To be honest I think I would have serious jealous issues and always be scared that my daughter would end up choosing to leave me for them. How do you deal with those thoughts...if you have those thoughts?

sara said...

Kayla - It's so crazy you asked that, I literally just wrote a post about it. I haven't had the guts to put it up yet though. I have those thoughts all the time. And i am constantly struggling to keep my jealous in check. I'm hoping as she gets older those will settle down. Fingers crossed anyway!

Cindy @ This Adventure, Our Life said...

Sara- Just wondering...do Pies's birthparents come see her now? Is there ever a point in time that they will see her without you? I would be worried about that?

Also, thank you for sharing about adoption, I always wonder about how this or that works, so it is nice to hear your point.

Also, I think it is completely normal to feel jealous...heck, it happens to me also... :)

sara said...

CIndy - They do see her now, about once a month or every 6 weeks. Unless she's old enough to drive and see them herself, she won't be with them alone. I'm totally not going down that road!

If you ever wonder about anything, ask away! I'm happy to answer.

Finley and Oliver said...

Sara, I so appreciate your candidness and honesty! It's very refreshing. Pie is so blessed to have you (and vice versa).

sara said...

F&O - Thank you so much. It's a tough topic to crystalize, but I think it's so important to talk about. And you're right, I am very blessed to have my little Pie!!

Post a Comment

I talk, then you talk, and sometimes I talk back again. It's a conversation! And we can all pretend we're not internet shut-ins who never talk to anyone. Hooray!