Unofficial Mom: How do you respond...

May 19, 2011

How do you respond...

To people who make assumptions about your character, morals, even religious beliefs because you have adopted?

To people who respond to the information about your child's ethnicity with comments like, "well at least she looks white" ?

To people who are surprised, and not in a good way, that you are the one who works and your Husband stays home with the baby?

To people who say, "now that you have a baby and can relax and you'll be pregnant in no time" ?

To people who see you with all the extra chunk in your trunk, and immediately look at your child to see if they are regular baby chubby or if you've been pumping Wendy's Frosties intravenously into her while she sleeps?

To people who make assumptions about whether or not you're done adding to your family and how you must feel about it?

To yourself when:

you don't know the answers
you feel guilty and greedy for wanting more kids, but still want them anyway
you're proud that you adopted a multi-ethnic kid, not because of the adoption or the ethnicities, but because she's amazing
all that you've ever wanted is to be a great mom, and you're not sure you're living up to that

How do you respond?

Comments (15)

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Crisc · 723 weeks ago

I respond w/ a "look" that says it all. People can tell by my facial expression about how I feel.

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Swistle · 723 weeks ago

Tight, silent, closed-lips half-smile with eyes not at all smiley and slightly narrowed. Message: "You just said something incredibly uncouth, but I am too polite and awesome to comment on it, and also you are probably not trainable anyway."

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christina · 723 weeks ago

I think of my Lovie and her smile and her happiness and her kindness and sweetness and curiosity and innocense, etc etc etc and then I think about how she looks at me, how she trusts me, how she loves me and then I know and I believe that NOTHING and NOBODY else matters except for her, my Lovie, and her smile and her happiness, etc etc. And then I ignore ignore ignore those Nothings and those Nobodys... even if they're family members. ::Hugs:: to you, a BEYOND great mom!

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alicia · 723 weeks ago

people have flaws and no one was given a hand book on what to say, unfortunately. so people will always open their mouths and say stupid or insensitive things. just ignore them. smile and brush it off - they are ignorant.

the people who really matter will never see anything but your beautiful baby, will never care if you get pregnant or adopt again, will always wish for your dreams of a larger family to come true, will know that you are providing your baby with the best life possible because they know you and how wonderful you are.

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Lisa · 723 weeks ago

I call them twatwaffles. :)

Seriously though, since I had kids, I couldn't care less what other people think of me because I know my children are happy, loved and well cared for.

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Meg · 723 weeks ago

I love Swistle's comment. I don't understand most people. And I don't know that they're meaning to be so tactless, but it happens, unfortunately. All you can do is revel in their stupidity and know in your heart that you gave your daughter a loving home - despite the fact that she didn't actually come *from* you. She is your daughter now and always will be. Ignore those idiots and grab your daughter and squeeze her and tell her she's the best little girl you've ever known. Ok...that was a little disjointed, but I think you get the picture.

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Sunday Koffron 64p · 723 weeks ago

I suppose that, “Exactly, Just like you LOOK intelligent.” Would be too much for you?

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shannon2818 53p · 723 weeks ago

A lot of those drive me crazy too! Especially the one about getting pregnant. You've done what you feel is best for you and your family and no one else can decide what is best for you. I also relate to your questioning your abilities as a mom. I always feel like I'm not doing as well as I'd like to be.

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TongguMomma · 723 weeks ago

"What exactly did you mean by that?" if I'm in a nice mood, but most of the time I'm not. And when THAT happens, I reply with, "I'm really surprised you felt comfortable asking that question/ making that comment."

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Iris · 723 weeks ago

Doesn´t your heart tell you you´re doing the right thing and isn´t that what counts? You can never do right for everybody anyways...
As for you working and your husband staying home... here in Germany that conecept gets more and more common. If you´re lucky both parents can care each one after the other for up to three months (I guess) - or even at the same time, but that´s not the rule. I love that concept, why should Dads be left out so much? My Bro takes one day per week off, on that day his wife works (they´re both their own boss)

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Cheryl @ Mommypants · 723 weeks ago

Ask them why they want to know, or why it matters. A good "why" question usually shuts them up.

Morons.

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Brandi · 723 weeks ago

Oh my good lord, some of these are just mind boggling. Are you running into every redneck dumb ass at Walmart? I like Cheryl's response... and I agree that they're morons.

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Me...online · 723 weeks ago

I checked out your blog to see what made you "unofficial". You are SO official and have a large file of legal papers to prove it. Mommy-guilt can be really strong in families made through adoption. You start out thinking that you just have to sleep with someone to become a mother and end up with enough medical tests, paperwork and studies to choke an elephant. All of this to prove you are smart enough, sane enough, wealthy enough, moral enough, healthy enough, etc. to parent a child. To me, it was hard to leave that mindset behind and I spent years trying to measure up. Having a child come out of you does not give you an instant advantage. We all do our best; we all fail sometimes; and sometimes we get it right. Our children will love us anyway. That is what matters. I was always told either ignor or educate people that make stupid comments like these or you can answer with a question like "Why do you ask?". By the way, your baby is BEAUTIFUL! Congratulations, Mom!

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K-Mo · 722 weeks ago

OH HUN BUN! {slang for hunny bunny}
How do you respond? With a bug fat-- NO THANK YOU-- GO AWAY. {Not really what I was hinking or wanting to type, trying to keep it tactful}. Who cares if others think you have extra chunk, it matters how you feel, not others. In my opinion, I think your smashingly gorgeous and little cake face is NOT chunky either, and for people to look at her to see if she is "chunky" is obsurd and shame on them. Also, I commend you for adopting a multi-ethnic baby, she loves you, you love her and again, that i all that matters. People need to stop looking at color and look from the inside out! This is what is wrong with this country. It takes more guts to adopt than to have a child.... I have always wanted to adopt a child who is misfortunate, and do you know how often I heard {from certain family members} that they would not treat it the same as my blood children?? How awful is that?!?! If that child is part of yoru family, loved the same, treated the same, and grows up knowing no different. Then the family shouldnt have a problem with it, they need to be supportie as well, and friends, onlookers, and whoever else.

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K-Mo Kuppy Kakes · 722 weeks ago

Comments about cake faces ethnicity is beyond ridiculous! Who cares what color you are, again, those people are f-ed up :). You are a great mom, your ownderful and kind and you dote on your child more than I dote on mine! :D She is gorgeous adn your whole family is gorgeous and if you choose toa dd to it, so be it, its your choice. I hope you do! I know cake face would love a sibling to play with and to share cupcakes with! ;) About the hubs staying home and you working??!! HAHAHAHA, I would adore this! I love to be around people and on the go and doing things and my hubby would love if he could be home with the kids making mud pies and painting pictures and eating cookies! That is a dream of his I believe. :) So, to make this long story short and to sum it up. FORGET THEM. And I adore you and your stay at home papa and your cake face baby! And I <3 you all! p.s. cake face is my new name for her, why? because I will forever have that picture of her covered in cake in my brain! :)