Unofficial Mom: Hiding Behind Anonymity

June 16, 2011

Hiding Behind Anonymity

This blog is for the most part anonymous. Sara, which is my real name by the way, is super common so I have no fear using it. Husband, however, has a very unusual name. Very. Like we have never met, heard of, or read about anyone else who has his name. And my darling Pie has a name that is not unusual, but is certainly not common.

When I started writing here I didn't know if it was something that would last, I didn't know if it would do anything for me. All I knew was that keeping things anonymous was important. I never would have guessed what I would gain from this blog. I have gained a place to vent, a place to celebrate, a place to share the wonderful, absurd and heartbreaking. More than all that I have gained friends. Amazing people who I talk about in real life, who I tell stories about, who are a part of my life despite having never met most of them.

And it's that piece that has been bothering me lately. I feel terrible that I'm holding back basic information about my life from you. Granted if we chat offline I've shared names, places, etc. But I feel like it's unfair to hold out on you when so many of you are completely transparent. And that's where the problem lies.

For anyone who doesn't know, Pie is my daughter through domestic open adoption. Her biological parents know us completely...names, address, phone numbers, you know name it. For that reason I have tried to keep any truly identifying information out of my writing here. I wanted to have have a place where I feel fairly certain I can speak openly about anything. I really wanted to have a place where I could say things without fear that Pie's bios would be reading and judging or feeling anything less than confident in their decision.

I am really bothered by the fact that I hide a certain amount of my life in anonymity, but I think I have to keep it that way. I may change my mind in the future, but for the time being I think I still need to hold a few cards close to the vest. Pie still wants to give you kisses though...

What about you? Are you totally transparent or do you hold back? Why did you make that decision? Are you annoyed when people aren't forthcoming? Do you think I should put a few more questions in here? :D

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Tiffany Harkleroad · 719 weeks ago

I hold back, Hubby has a common name, but our last name (which I share as part of my blogger profile) is uncommon pretty much everywhere but the area where we live. And I refer to my town all the time, but never my street. I can only imagine I would hold back a lot more if we have kids.

The thing is, I also hold back on the kinds of things I talk about, and sometimes I wish I did not have to. But personal family issues never make it to the blog, nor squabbles with friends. I guess in a way that is good, so that those words of anger never come back to haunt me, but sometimes, I wish I could let loose and bitch. Thanks goodness for Twitter.

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

It has actually saved me a few times, when I was ready to blast someone or a situation and had to hold back because of the anonymity. So there are a few pros :)

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meghann · 719 weeks ago

On my blog I am pretty transparent. I use our real names (except for Julia & Asher's first mother, whose name I keep private & instead use an initial). I don't know whether I have ever used our last name—I know my blog is linked to my Twitter account, and my Twitter account has my full first & last name on it. And because a big part of the last year has been that we moved from Buffalo back to New England, I've also been transparent with which cities we live in. But I figure it's a big world, and even a big city. If someone wanted to look us up & find our address & track us down, I suppose they could, but it doesn't seem very likely.

Regarding the details of our kids' adoptions, I am almost completely private. I will write about "big" issues in a more generic sense and occasionally use examples of smaller things from our own life, but the details belong to Julia and Asher (and their first mother) and are not for public consumption.

I figure everyone has to be as open or as private as they are comfortable with. I was admonished by a reader on the Adoption.com blog, when I used to write there, when I talked about keeping details of my kids' placement private. Apparently my refusal to share every intimate detail with anyone at any time reflects a deep-seated insecurity and discomfort with the reality of my children's adoptions (rather than, you know, a respect for the privacy of people whose stories I have no business sharing with anyone), and I should, for their sake, seek help for that so I can be a better mother to them.

At the end of the day, you're never going to please everyone, so you just have to please yourself. (I think you're doing just fine...) xo

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

My mouth is hanging open. How dare someone make a judgment on your parenting based on how much or little you share. The fact that they would see your keeping private things private as a bad thing is astonishing. I really don't like that person!

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mona · 719 weeks ago

You know, this is all about choice. And sometimes I wish I had chosen something more anonymous instead of using my real name because it would allow me to blog about other topics in my life that I just can't share now. I've never felt that you've held back at all. I've always loved how much you've shared. You've never held back the joy that Pie has brought into your life and we can all share that with you.

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

Thank you Mona. That was the perfect thing to say. xoxo

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racilous 11p · 719 weeks ago

I choose to be anonymous because I didn't want anyone who didn't know I was a birth mother to find out by googling my name. I will say even with anonymity that I am still careful about not writing in the moment, not venting something I might not mean later. I may not have my name out there but I don't think that excuses me from just saying things that I don't want to have to back up later.

What I will say as a birth parent is I have no expectations of my child's life being perfect, and although I have opinions about decisions that my son's parents make (which I think is natural since I do have a stake in his life), I do not have judgements. I know they are doing what they believe is in his best interest and that is all I can ask. What I'm trying to say is being honest with Pie's birth parents about the imperfections of life might not make them less confident in their decision to place with you, but more, they will see you handle problems with grace, and that no matter what is thrown at you, you love this little girl fiercely. Just thought I'd throw that opinion out there.

1 reply · active 719 weeks ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

You never fail to give me things to think about...

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Swistle · 719 weeks ago

I use Swistle, but my real first name (Kristen, another pretty common one) is public. I use pseudonyms for Paul and the kids, and I try not to give out information about where we live---not even which part of the country, let alone which state. I kind of wish I could use my kids' real names (I think it messes up the baby name blog that I use pseudonyms so different from their actual names), and sometimes it's inconvenient to be unable to complain about the weather or other local evens. But several times I've had an encounter with a commenter or emailer that made me wish I'd been even LESS public: when someone turns out to be a nutcase, the more distance the better. It's not that I think it's likely someone will actually attack us, but I get a cold chill of fear if I imagine my most recent krazykins having access to my children's names and locations.

So because I'm like that myself, of course I don't feel anything negative at all when other people keep partly anonymous---and in fact I think they're smart to do it.

1 reply · active 719 weeks ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

Those crazy, stalkerish nuts have far too much time on their hands and far too many mental health issues! It really is a shame that we have to worry about things like that.

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christina · 719 weeks ago

mmm i use my real first name (didn't always) but not Lovie's. never Lovie's. and if it slips, her middle and (our) last name will never ever be revealed. i have mentioned the city i live in but i don't broadcast it daily and will never mention the city in which i work... nor will i talk much about work other than the 1820s computer they still have me on. honestly, i really don't think you're leaving too much out at all. if people want to post their true life stories for all to see, so be it. i just have SERIOUS trust issues and know very well that once it's out there, it's out there and anything can be discovered.

1 reply · active 719 weeks ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

Sometimes I feel like I'm being a bit of a nut about it, making sure names aren't in/on pictures or videos or in my writing. But that's exactly my fear. There are people I would rather not share this blog with, and identifying info about us would make it far too easy....

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leah · 719 weeks ago

I think you handle it perfectly! And yes, if any of your readers knew your husband or daughter's real names, I'm pretty sure they could track you down and ... ok idk what they would do, prob. nothing but it gets messy w/ the adoptive parents. So i think you are doing the right thing. But I do agree... for a while when I had some personal stuff going on, i'd read other bloggers who were SO open and honest. And they got tons of comments & feedback & I felt like I SHOULD share more. But in hindsight, I didn't need to. And i'm just now getting comfortable (and posting pics!) of things i would only e-mail you about. But it's good. and i think the people who follow you know what they need to, and you are so open and honest, that you are handling it all the absolute best way!!!

2 replies · active 719 weeks ago

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leah · 719 weeks ago

*I mean biological parents knowing what the adoptive parents are saying... ok you know what I mean :)

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

I know what you mean :)

Right? Their names are definitely easy to link to us. I was really going back and forth about it a bit, but I think just being able to say sorry I don't share everything will be enough for me to settle down.

And I love all the pics you've been posting lately...though I'm still waiting for the emails with the really good stuff :D

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Meg · 719 weeks ago

I'm pretty open on my blog, with the exception of the hubs. I don't know...I figure that if somebody wants to find me through my blog, they'll find me no matter how anonymous I try to be. Either way, it's your blog - you do what you want. I don't mind it when people (bloggers, FBers, etc) try to keep their private life, well, private. With everything so public nowadays, you might as well protect where you can!

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

You're right, if someone wants to find me badly enough they will. I've actually had people track down my siblings on FB and try to find me through that since I don't have my own FB. Shouldn't that be its own hint? Ha

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K-MO · 719 weeks ago

I am the same in my blog! Hubbs got upset when I used the kids real names and all, so I just use their nicknames instead. Its crazy that you have to kidn of worry about it, but that is the way of the world now a days. Its ok, I think Pie is a sweet nick name! :)

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

I like Cake Face too...goes with the baked goods theme :D

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Brandi · 719 weeks ago

Ooh, now I am suuuuuper curious about hub's name. lol. I think everyone has to make the decision to share or not share whatever they're comfortable with. You certainly have valid reasons for a little anonymity. I use my name, but nicknames for the hub's and kiddos (although, I've shared the kiddos names a couple times). You never know who's looking at your blog... I just use FB for blog friends who I am closer with. Pie is SO STINKIN' CUTE!!!!

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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Sara · 719 weeks ago

I'm actually surprised I haven't told you since we chat off-blog! I'll just leaving you wondering for now...muwahahaha (that's my evil laugh)

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