Unofficial Mom: PYHO {Adoption is Tricky Business}

August 3, 2011

PYHO {Adoption is Tricky Business}

...really tricky business.

There are families (first and adoptive) who will discuss the good, bad and ugly of adoption. There are others who will only talk about the rainbows and sunshine. I think I fall somewhere between the two, but certainly closer to the rainbows. And it's not fair. I have the opportunity to talk about anything. I have the possibility of shedding some light on questions people may be afraid or embarrassed to ask. I have the possibility of connecting with others who may share some of the same struggles with adoption that I do.

So I'm going to give that a try. I'll preface it by saying these things apply to my adoption alone and I would never attach the feelings, etc to any one else's situation.

Here goes...

I think open adoption is absolutely the best choice when at all possible. I also think open adoption can screw with you in stunning and unexpected ways. I want my daughter to know her family. Her whole family. That includes her first family. I want desperately for her to have access to them, to be able to form whatever relationship she wants with them, to hear directly from them what led to the adoption. I think beyond the medical info and other practicalities, my daughter being able to go directly to the source about the adoption (or any other questions she has) is priceless.

Deep breath here...I also have moments when I wish from the bottom of my soul that they were better people for my sweet girl. That they wouldn't do and say things that make me a little sick when I think about a time my daughter is old enough to spend time with them without Husband and I (if she chooses too).

And therein lies one of the many tricky pieces of adoption. Husband and I are her parents....but so are they. I feel like we should get to say that there are things we're not okay with her being around. But at the same time, how do you say to someone, who is the reason that you have a family at all, that they need to stop being...well...themselves?

...tricky business indeed.

Comments (13)

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Shell · 712 weeks ago

I can't imagine how hard that would be.

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Swistle · 712 weeks ago

I loved reading this. This is exactly the sort of insider information that is so interesting to know, and to think about.

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Christina · 712 weeks ago

Thank you for sharing this! Although I've never had ANY dealings with adoption, in any respect, I'm just fascinated by it all. From the selfless act of placing your child, to the amazing love of the adoptive parents to the entire proces in general. I watch a lot of "reality" (not sure how much of it is really real! ;)) shows about adoption and I often wonder, "What do the adoptive families do when they aren't fond of the lifestyles that the first family lives, etc.???" I know that you will ALWAYS have Pie's best interest first! Being raised right by you and your hubby will allow her to make the right choices when it comes to her first family, I'm sure! :)

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Lisa · 712 weeks ago

Wow. I never even though of this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I am sorry they aren't everything you would like them to be for Pie, but she will know and appreciate someday how much you wanted her to be able to make her own decisions regarding her first family.

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racilous 11p · 712 weeks ago

The closest description I have heard for first and adoptive families in open adoption is that it's sort of like your in-laws. Some people just don't get along with their in-laws, but you sort of have to have a civil relationship with your in-laws even if you don't like them much - otherwise you're just hurting the person you all love. Even if you have nothing else in common with Pie's firstparents, you all love Pie, so hopefully you can use that as a foundation to make a relationship work with them. You don't have to love them, you don't even have to like them, I personally think you just need to love Pie, and let them love Pie. Hopefully the rest will work itself out.

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mattidw84 26p · 712 weeks ago

I am a birth mom and I would just tell you to be honest with them. I wouldn't be offend in the least if my daughters parents told me that. I placed her with them and they chose what they want around her and what they don't want around her.

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mycrazykindofmom 11p · 712 weeks ago

I can see how that would be hard.My aunt( who is mentally challenged and lives with my grandmother) gave up a baby for adoption 21 years ago. It was supposed to be an open adoption but I know the adoptive parents cut off my grandparents and aunt once the child was 2 yrs old. I don't know why because it's not something that is discussed. I'm not sure if they (AP) didn't want their daughter not knowing where she came from or my grandmother being overbearing.
I'm sure that if you raise Pie to be a good person, she will be able to recognize their faults (when she is older) and will not be affected by them. You are the mother, plain and simple. :)

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3catsandababy · 712 weeks ago

Brave post. Thank your for sharing it with us.

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dysfunctional mom · 712 weeks ago

I am not an adoptive parent, but I have a stepson and I am his primary caregiver; for all practical purposes his mom. I have what I guess as an unpopular opinion in adoption circles; I think 'blood relations' are so flipping overrated. The person who takes care of you, that's your parent.

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Erin · 712 weeks ago

I totally agree with dysfunctional mom. My step-children are my children, regardless of the fact that I didn't give birth to them. They live with me all of the time, my daughter has seen her mother, who we all wish was a better person and talks to her but she knows who her "real" mother is. Blood has nothing to do with it. Love is what matters.

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distywga 22p · 712 weeks ago

I have to agree with racilous, DM & Erin--YOU & Husband are Pie's PARENTS. The FP gave her life, gave you a full family, but they also gave up "parent"-status. I agree that you should kind of treat the situation like an in-law situation, or even as if the FPs are older siblings of Pie--keep the communication lines open, but at the end of the day, you get to make the decisions about her well-being.

Oh, and I'm an adoptive child. Granted, not an open adoption because my birth mother abandoned me in a Taiwanese hospital and I was adopted by Americans and have lived here since I was 2, but I know that my MOTHER is the one who rocked me, took care of me when I was sick, hauled me to piano & baton lessons, and was there when I gave birth to my two babies. :)

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Runnermom-jen · 712 weeks ago

This is tricky business, as I'm watching my sister and her husband adopt a brother and sister. It's heartbreaking and wonderful all at the same time. Thank you for sharing part of your story...you are helping people!!

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Ken · 616 weeks ago

I really don't know that adoption is a tricky business. Pleased to learn actually how this business is leading ahead. Though I think some generous people really adopt children by thinking about business process. Thanks.
benefits of adoption