September 29, 2011

I'm going to tell you a secret...

I am SO happy and beyond excited for my bloggy friends who have recently had babies, and those who are cooking some right now (Jackie and Emily, I'm looking at you). So happy and excited. probably guessed that wasn't the secret. The secret is that I'm also completely and totally, to the bottom of my soul, envious. And not just a little jealous. {hangs head in shame}

It's so petty. And I hate that I can't just be purely happy and excited. I makes me feel like a real jerk.

I think I have trouble with it because the part of infertility that I struggle with the most is the lack of control. We can't have a conversation about trying for another baby and then actually try to any happy result. We are at the mercy of others. And even more so at the mercy of our finances. We simply can't afford to pay an agency. And that really sucks.

Pie is the light of my life. My heart. The greatest thing I have ever done or will do is being her mom. So if she is destined to be an only child, she is an exceptional one to have. But that doesn't stop me from wanting her to have siblings, wanting to have more little feet running through my house.

I'm not sure I've ever fully finished grieving for the family I thought I would have. So I continue to struggle, and I continue to have stupid jealousies.

But I really an happy and excited for my friends. I can't wait for more squishy babies to be around. If there aren't more for me, I can't think of many more people I'd want it for than J and E.