Unofficial Mom: PYHO {Adoption. Why is it your business?}

September 7, 2011

PYHO {Adoption. Why is it your business?}

Yup. Another adoption related Pour Your Heart Out with Shell at Things I Can't Say.

I was in a situation recently where I had to introduce myself, and I struggled to decide what to say. Hi I'm Sara, I'm married to my college sweetheart. I have an 19 month old daughter. Or should I have said a 19 month old daughter through open, domestic adoption? Why should I mention that part? Because I'm proud of the adoption? I am after all. Because I only think of my daughter as my adopted daughter? Not on your life. That kid is mine. Period. Because by mentioning it I might be able to provide some info to someone who hasn't had another source? Maybe.

I was lucky enough to have had my brother pave the adoption path for me. He was a resource (despite his adoptions being international and mine being domestic) about a lot of the basic process and general craziness that goes along with the paperwork, home studies, etc. But I know lots of people don't have a resource like that, so I almost feel like not mentioning it is removing a possible resource for others.

You never know what other people are going through, and you never know who may need help and not have anyone to turn to. I'm happy to talk about the adoption, both the good and bad. I'm happy to share my experiences with home studies, with paperwork, with judges. It's an overwhelming process not even taking into account the emotional or financial aspects. I have some knowledge, and I should share it right?

Here's the problem though. I don't ever, ever, ever (did I mention ever?) want my daughter to feel like my adopted daughter. She is my child. Period. End of story. Is she adopted? Yes. And we will never be anything other than completely transparent with her about that. But I don't want my willingness to share our story or help others to hurt her. At some point it really won't be my story to share as much as it will be our story. And when that time comes I fully intend to let her drive how much she wants to share with others. But until then...

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Tiffany · 708 weeks ago

I can understand (even though I have not dealt with adoption personally), how you don't want to hide that she is adopted but don't want to focus on it either. It doesn't define who you are. It's not like people walk around introducing themselves as the parent to a child that took them a year to conceive. She is your daughter, not matter how you became her mother. It's your story to share, whenever, however and if ever you want to.
Great post.

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Michelle Pixie · 708 weeks ago

Oh Sara, such a tough thing for sure! I can't even fathom what you must struggle with. All I can tell you is that I had a step-dad who was really my Daddy never a step anything. He tried to adopt me but the sperm donor {as I like to refer to him} wouldn't allow it out of sheer spite. My parents divorced when I was a teen and my Dad remarried and the step-monster would always refer to me as my Dad's step-daughter and I died a little inside every time even though I knew she was just being a B. I think you probably just need to take it on a case to case basis and you will know who needs that info and who doesn't. It will all work out! XO

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Missy | Literal Mom · 708 weeks ago

That IS a tough issue. You want her to feel 100% a part of your family but you want to help people who may go through agony over adoption. It's a tough balance and probably one to work out as you go along - when it feels right, say it. When it feels right not to, keep it to yourself for that moment.

I have many friends with adoptive children - most are pretty open about it in a way that doesn't convey the child's not 100% theirs. But you are right - it's a balance.

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Oka · 708 weeks ago

I think you will be a major influence on your daughter. She will read off you what is acceptable for the family and stand right by you. She will love you encouraging others to step forward and love a child in need of a loving home.

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Shell · 708 weeks ago

I think it's great that you share. :)

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Jessica · 708 weeks ago

Good for you for sharing. We are currently debating on adoption and if its right for our family. I love the honesty in this post. Great job!

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Cool Math · 708 weeks ago

Nice article.. Thanks for letting us know!

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distywga 22p · 708 weeks ago

Just say "daughter." She looks enough NOT like you and hubby that people may ask, which then opens that door for discussion. But as an adopted child (of Taiwanese descent, to white parents; it was clearly obvious my sister and I were adopted), I have to say just leave off the "adopted" part. Because that's not important. And sometime when I was a tween/early teenager I asked about the time "before you had me" and it was one of the best moments of her life, she said. Always, always remember that you waited for this child just the same as if you had conceived and carried her in your body. That longing and "move mountains"-attitude to make her your daughter is ALL that matters. I often felt like I didn't "fit in" in my school/community because of the Asian thing, but I NEVER EVER felt I didn't "fit in" with my family, nuclear or extended; adoption wasn't what defined my familial relationships, LOVE was. You can be open and frank about the adoption without making it a qualifier of her relationships.