June 6, 2012

I Can Do Better....Can't I?

My life is full of "those" moments. You know the ones where teachers, bosses, parents say that you aren't living up to your potential?

I've got millions of them. In fact my entire school career, until I went back as an adult to finish my Bachelor's, was one never-ending moment. I can't even count the number of times I got into trouble because my teacher thought I was coasting by, or my parents felt I was doing the bare minimum. The truth is...I was. I always figured if I did well enough not trying, why kill myself to do slightly better?

Granted that was all when I was a kid and knew everything. And certainly knew more than the grown-ups in my life. :) Ahhh, sweet, stupid youth.

But as I got older, I realized that was a cop out. I really didn't try very hard. I really wasn't working at my full potential, and I wanted to change that about myself. So I started trying. And yes, it was a lot more work. And yes, it made me more vulnerable to failure. But it was good.

I strive to be good at the things I choose to spend my time doing. I hope that I'm a good daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, student, employee...I really try to be.

But lately...I'm back to coasting by. And the thing that kills me is that there's nothing I can do about it. My eyes are shot. They hurt all the time. If I use them a lot, it gives me a crazy headache, and often makes me throw up. And it's affecting every. single. part. of. my. life.

I'm a terrible employee, a lackluster student, an absentee wife, a sideline mom. I haven't been to any one's blog to see how they are, and I'm barely here on my own blog. All of those things hurt. And each one makes this whole situation a little worse each day.

Just know that I really do miss you guys, and I keep trying to get better.

I'm still hoping that's possible...