April 12, 2010

Openness: How much is too much? Too little? Just right? (Subtopic: Who ate my porridge, sat in my chair and is sleeping in my bed?)

We have a very open adoption. As I mentioned before we knew Pie's birthparents before the pregnancy. Husband worked with the birthfather for something like 1.5 - 2 years. And we had met her birthmother several times too. By necessity we ended up with very open communication. We text, we have a Facebook page for Pie set up so they can see pictures and updates, and we have occasional visits. And so far so good.

An open adoption is not something we had ever considered before. I take that back. We were adamantly opposed to an open adoption. We wanted to rock it old school. Get thee to a nunnery, drop the baby off in a basket on our front steps, and then disappear into the night never to be heard from again. I felt like it would be too hard to have the birthparents involved, and possibly too confusing for the baby. We have always intended to be very open about the fact that Pie is adopted. It is a simple fact of her life, like her eyes are gray and her hair is brown. We already tell her the baby version...she grew in someone else's tummy, but we are her mommy and daddy.

So far it's been surprisingly easy. The birthparents are so confident in their decision, and from the moment we made the adoption plan, they have never strayed from that plan. And we are so confident in their conviction that it has never occurred to us to be nervous about the contact. I know people struggle with how casual we are with the contact, but it's working for all of us for the time being.

I do worry about what exactly it will be like when Pie is older and can understand who the people visiting her are, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.


Anonymous said...

As someone that kicked it oldschool in a closed adoption as the adoptee, I gotta tell you that open is SO MUCH HEALTHIER. for everyone. I have struggled, my b-mom has struggled and it's not easy. Pie will just be surrounded by so much love and not be confused. Kids think that what they have is what everyone has.

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