April 15, 2010

Things they don't tell you about parenting a baby...for good reason

For the most part people talk about all of the fun, sweet, cute, amazing things that go along with parenting. Occasionally someone will mention the hard things like colic, teething or lack of sleep. No one seems to discuss the truly ass-kicking things. Until now...duhn, dhun, duuuhhhnnnn.
  1. Your hold on personal hygiene will slip away. Days when you can get to the mouthwash will be a triumph. Things like flossing, conditioner, and shaving will be but distant memories.
  2. You will become comfortable being covered in a tremendous amount of bodily fluids. More than you should be comfortable with unless you are an EMT or possibly a porn star.
  3. You will have in-depth conversations about poop with other parents. These will be fascinating conversations.
  4. The lack of sleep/sheer exhaustion will drive you to have the weirdest dreams of your life. Fevered, crack head dreams. And I don't mean "Oh that crack was great, I hope I can find some more." I mean scenes from the movie Titanic cast completely with characters from Scooby Doo. "Oh man, we're like sinking Scoob!" "Ruh-roh!" "Let's see if we can hit the buffet one more time before the g-g-g-ghosts appear!" *
  5. You will have full-blown, introspective conversations with said baby...in public. Others will assume you've gone completely mad.

*Even in the dream you're aware enough to think, "Thelma...here's your chance. Grab another girl and get down to business!"


Fakey said...

So true. One thing I never expected: I'm genuinely relieved when the baby pukes all over me and my pajamas, because it's less effort and laundry to clean up than if she'd puked on the bed.

Puke is inevitable. Where it lands, however, can vary. Yes, I happily throw myself "under the bus" to save the sheets.

Marc said...

good god you make me laugh...

Bronzed said...

That is so true and very funny

sara said...

Fakey...I'm the same way. My pjs can easily be changed. The sheeets on the other hand are precious! I also never thought I'd have an almost unnatural love for my leather couch. So easy to wipe things off of....

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