April 16, 2010

Nighttime Ninja

You thought I was going to sleep, didn't you? HA! My wily ways have tricked you! You have mindlessly followed the breadcrumbs I have laid out. The red-rimmed eyes, the screaming for no discernible reason, the fact that it is, in actuality, my bedtime. FOOL! You think you have tricks, tools to put me to sleep, but I have counters for all of them!
  • You snuggle me close, swaying and whispering sweet words to me. I will try to head-butt you. You may have noticed that I aim for the mouth and nose where I can inflict the most damage with the parts of my head that aren't still soft. (Note to self: when I do connect, words like "mutterflucker" and "holby schnit" are used. These words seem to have great power, must learn what they mean.)
  • You sing me a lullaby and give me kisses on my head. I will fling my arms wildly. And God help you if I connect with your cheek or lips. I will tear them to shreds with my razor sharp, baby nails. (Note to self: again with the power words. Really must discover their meaning.)
  • You take me through a series of positions, trying in vain to find the one that will sooth me. I will kick my legs violently. For me, it's a great ab workout. For you, it causes nothing but frustration. (Note to self: this maneuver usually ends with power words, an "I give up!", and a transfer to the other adult minder....how can I use this to my advantage?)

You can try and try your sad, little tricks, but I am a Nighttime Ninja! I can fight sleep better than Mike Tyson can fight Evander Holyfield! (Additional note to self: add ear biting to repertoire as soon as teeth come in...and I figure out which thing is the ear.)


Marc said...


Bronzed said...

...and i figure out which thing is the ear. lmao

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