October 20, 2010

One and done {subtitle: I'm greedy and ungrateful}

So I'm going to skip Wordless Wednesday today and link up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for a little pouring out of my heart.

Here it is...I'm greedy and possibly ungrateful. Despite having come from a big family, one where every person had to get their first helping before anyone could have seconds, I want more. I want my second helping now...and my third...and maybe even my fourth.

Pie is the greatest, most unexpected thing to ever happen in my life. She is lightening striking, a solar eclipse, Haley's comet. To say her appearance in our lives is a miracle, is an understatement. (For anyone who doesn't know the crazy story, you can read it here).

We had, only months before her arrival, started accepting that we would never have kids. We would have each other and that would be enough. We both wanted a big family, but that just wasn't in the cards for us. And then *BOOM* Pie shows up.

She makes me laugh and cry and go a little more crazy every single day. She is a gift like no other. I am more myself than I have ever been by being her mom. She is amazing. But...

But...I want more. I still want the big family, the house full of chaos and whirlwinds. I want more children. And that makes me feel like a greedy, ungrateful ass. Why can't I be happy with the miracle I have (not to say that I'm not). Maybe satisfied is a better word than happy. Why can't I feel settled and done. Why can't I wish for others who are still waiting for their first baby to have one first. Why must I wish for them to have one also.

Why do I feel compelled to figure out a way to approach a pregnant teen...
"Oh I see you like Cap'n Crunch. Me too. Crunchberries are the best. Soooo you keeping that baby? If not you can give it to me, we have so much in common...remember the Cap'n?!"

I still feel like I'm in the grip of childless desperation. Like, yes we have a child, but maybe somehow it's not for keeps. Like I need to grab all the babies I can or I'll still end up without any. I can't explain it.

I know that I need to stop worrying that Pie may be our one and done, and start celebrating that she is our holy shit we have a baby.

But how do I do that?