So this Masters that I started...it is probably (maybe, possibly) the best thing for our family in the long run, but right now? It sucks.
The program is a dual Master of Early Childhood Education and certification. So at the end I'll have the degree and will also be certified to teach Pre K-5 in Georgia. It'll be a big old pay cut, but the trade off is that I'll have great insurance for our family and will be on the same schedule as Pie when she starts school. In the meantime, I get to work full time, go to school full time and try to be a good mom.
Monday's class was the first time in her entire life that I haven't been there to put Pie to bed. I cried at school. She cried at home and called for me. Both our hearts broke. Not to mention poor Husband's heart who was stuck between to very unhappy girls trying to make them both feel better.
Tonight will be the same. Every Monday and Wednesday for the next year and a half I won't be there. Every Monday and Wednesday for the next year and a half I will miss even more of Pie's life than I already do being at work. Every Monday and Wednesday for the next year and a half she will look for me at bedtime, and call for me to hold her and give her kisses. Every Monday and Wednesday that is, until she doesn't look or call for me anymore because she knows I won't be there. And that will take my poor broken heart and smash it into a million even smaller pieces.
I know that I don't want to be away from her, I know it's not selfishness, I know that I feel as if I have no other choice...but she doesn't. All she knows is that mama isn't there. So every Monday and Wednesday for the next year and a half I will cry at school, I will miss my little girl, I will want to be with my family, and I will remind myself that it's for the best. I will remind myself that as hard as things are now, there will be a day when Pie won't remember my absence. There will be a day when she is simply proud of her mama for working so hard to make her family better.