Unofficial Mom: PYHO {Adoption makes families...it breaks them too}

August 10, 2011

PYHO {Adoption makes families...it breaks them too}

Yup. Another adoption related Pour Your Heart Out with Shell at Things I Can't Say.

Last week I talked about how tricky adoption can be...how complicated it can get when your child is also someone else's child. This week I've been thinking about how adoption creates or adds to one family while separating another.

Adoption is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I am a mom because of adoption. I have a family that I thought would be nothing more than an all-consuming dream because of adoption. But of course, that's not the whole story. As elated as I am, there are others who are equally as heartbroken. Others who don't have the family that was possible because of adoption.

I tend to forget the other side of my shiny, pretty coin. The side that maybe doesn't shine as brightly. I tend to forget the people who grieve while I celebrate. And it's not just the bios. There are so many other people who were affected. For every sibling, parent, niece or nephew I have who loves my daughter and thinks her being a part of our family is the coolest, there is an equal and opposite reaction within the bio's families.

Without getting into too much of the detail, the bio families (on both sides) were against the adoption. Several people involved felt that if the bios were not parenting, then they should...that the baby should stay with the family. So in addition to losing a grandchild, or niece, or cousin there are people who also lost the possibility of raising my daughter. And they grieve for that loss.

Despite the fact that my daughter's biological parents were not ready for a child, and despite the fact that they are very happy with their decision...there is still hurt. No matter the reason people choose not to parent, no matter the events that lead to an adoption there is always going to be one family in utter bliss and one dealing with loss. Both sides of the coin will always be present.

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mycrazykindofmom 11p · 711 weeks ago

It's a tough thing, adoption. But you can't carry that worry around in you. I'm not sure that you do, but your little sweetness' birth parents made the choice to give her up, and they had to have felt that you and your husband were the best choice. (I watch way too much reality tv. I watch Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. I have watched every episode, including the ones about adoption)
I'm sure that it would have been harder for her parents to watch her be raised by family. They did right by their daughter by choosing adoption. Maybe one day when she's grown up, those relatives will realize that it was the best choice too.

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Shell · 711 weeks ago

I think it shows what a sweet and caring person you are that you acknowledge the other side of this.

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jen · 711 weeks ago

Sounds to me like she's a very lucky little girl to have such a sensitive and thoughtful mother.

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Mama Zen · 711 weeks ago

What a thoughtful post!

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lowercaste guest · 711 weeks ago

the premise of adoption: in order to save the child, you must first destroy the mother - dian wellfare

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Kristen Hamilton · 711 weeks ago

What a beautiful and thoughtful post, Sara. As someone who specializes in (adult) adoption search and reunion, I can honestly tell you that in most cases there is that feeling of loss, and sometimes regret, on the Birthparents' side - whether it's their individual feelings of loss or their extended families'. It is wonderful that you acknowledge this, however, try not to let it overshadow your joy. I have long been a believer that we all land with the family we belong with - adopted or not. Your daughter is where she belongs and perhaps you can find consolation in knowing that as much as her biological family "wanted" to keep her, they loved her enough to let her go to a family that she "needed." Best to you and yours - you are a jewel for acknowledging the feelings of all the branches of your daughter's family tree!

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Mirah Riben · 711 weeks ago

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Mirah Riben · 711 weeks ago

Is my previous post being considered or was it deleted?

1 reply · active 711 weeks ago

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Sara · 711 weeks ago

Hi Mirah. Is there another comment in addition to the one that mentions Dr. Weider? I never delete or moderate comments, so if there is another one that isn't appearing I'd like to figure out what's going on. Let me know.

And thank you for that comment. I'm not familiar with Dr. Weider and will certainly look him up now.

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KittyBean · 711 weeks ago

I'm new to your blog, also an adoptive parent. I totally understand your feelings on this. We have a pretty open adoption, the grandparents included. It's hard to make everyone happy, it's a lot of phone calls & visits & arranging for me, but-- I wouldn't have it any other way. The only way I would adopt is like this, in retrospect it's the best thing we have done for our daughter. She has 9 grandparents! Half siblings, adoptive siblings, spread over 6 states in all parts of the country. The biograndparents have as much accessreally as if their own child had parented, since their kids live hundreds of miles away. The first-parents and extended family do have loss, I'll never say they don't. I think we're all trying to do the best we can. Adoption always comes from pain & loss, I'm glad to finally hear another AM mention that.

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Mirah Riben · 711 weeks ago

I submitted TWO comments that got a "holding for approval" message and then disappeared. I will try one more time...

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Mirah Riben · 711 weeks ago

TEST: Perhaps it is rejected comment that contain a link?

i shared this link to a presentation on the lifelong grief suffered by mothers who lose chidlren to adoption, regardless of how good an idea the placement was. http://works.bepress.com/mirah_riben/10/

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Mirah Riben · 711 weeks ago

"Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly."

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Micky · 711 weeks ago

"The traditional blood-kin family is composed of one mother, one father, and their child or children. The adoptive family is composed of two mothers, two fathers and a child common to them. Although society, and to some extent adoptive parents, would like to pretend that it is exactly like a traditional family, it is the differences that are extremely significant in each member's life." Dr Herbert Weider, a psychiatrist who has studied adoption .

The above statement is very western biased in reference to traditional blood-kin. Much of the world does it differently. " It takes a village". I get the point Mirah & the Dr. are trying to make and it is valid within CONTEXT. But that context should be noted and it is important to point out that much of the world defines family differently!