July 31, 2012

How Do You Deal With a Neighbor Who is a TOTAL A-Hole?

Let me set the scene for you...our neighbor is an a-hole. Did you like the dramatic lead-up, the well crafted character development, the shocking revelation?

Alright...maybe that wasn't as informative as it could have been. I'll back up. The neighbor behind us has lived in her house almost as long as we've been in ours. And we've been there 9.5 years. In all of that time we've spoken once. Once. And it was only because I initiated the conversation.

Needless to say she is not a very pleasant person. Husband and I have a fairly strong suspicion that she's a serial killer. We realize it's not as common for women, but if you saw her I'm sure you'd agree. Additionally, her garden grows a little too well...I'm thinking she's got some "special" fertilizer. You know...special...wink wink. (I totally mean people).

And when she'd not hiding inside tormenting her victims, she's out obsessively walking her giant doberman. Seriously, this thing probably weighs as much as she does, and it drags her around the neighborhood. The doberman? Also and a-hole. I'm not a big pet person, but if your pet is well-behaved then great. Not this dog. The stupid thing barks day and night non-stop. Total a-hole behavior. And despite the fact that if we can hear, I'm sure the neighbor who is actually with the dog can, she does nothing to stop it.

All of that I can mostly deal with, I stopped waving to her a long time ago, I've never bothered to engage her in conversation again, I basically ignore and avoid. However, on Sunday she crossed the line with me. BIG TIME.

Pie is crazy about animals. All animals. Especially those she can touch. So on Sunday she's out running around in our side yard with my nephews. And she hears the a-hole dog barking. So what does a 2 year old that loves animals do? Yup. She runs for the fence to try and see the dog. And the nephews follow to make sure she's okay.

And as soon as they get within a relatively close range of the fence, my a-hole neighbor who was apparently laying in wait in the back yard with her a-hole dog, sprays the kids (Pie, my 8 year old nephew, and my 10 year old nephew) with the hose and starts screaming, "DON"T ANTAGONIZE MY DOG!!" Yes, crazy lady, my 2 year old that was near-ish your fence was antagonizing the dog. I'm not sure how you could tell given that it barks all effing day...but yes...you're right. And spraying her with the hose is a totally appropriate response.

Alright, if you've made it this far I'm impressed. And here, finally, is the question. What do you do? I've had several thoughts on the matter:
  1. confront her like an adult and have a civilized conversation with her
  2. confront her like we're on Jerry Springer and tell her if she ever so much as looks at my child again I'll cut her
  3. report her to the HOA (mostly as a noise complaint against the dog)
  4. do something dignified like slash her tires
  5. behave in a truly lady-like manner and rip all the plants out of her precious garden (possibly unearthing evidence of her serial killing in the process)
  6. ignore it and keep Pie well away from her and her house and her stupid dog (this one might be hard since we share a property line)
If I had gone over right when it happened it would have been number 2 for sure, a little later probably 4 or 5. Now I'm not so sure.

What do you think?


birthmothertalks said...

Next time she is out spray the hose right in her face. That is so wrong.

Lisa said...

What a fucking bitch. I would do #3 and #5 because she's an asshole. But definitely #3.

m&msmommy said...

Definitely number 3 (because the others are, unfortunately, just going to make things worst!!! :)) And as far as #1 goes, she doesn't deserve to be treated civilly....who sprays kids with a hose!?!??!?!?! Psychos! :)

Nikki said...

You need to do #'s 2-5!! What a nasty bitch!! Who the hell sprays a 2 year old with a hose?! I would have went ape on her ass!!

Melissa Libertad said...

You need to talk to her. She needs to know what she did was not right. What a b#tch. After you talk to her, she probably won't do anything, so report her dumb dog to the HOA.

Anonymous said...

I'm non-confrontational so I say report the barking dog to the city/county/HOA every day till she gets fined and then staple plastic sheeting onto your side of the fence so no matter how much she sprays her hose, it goes nowhere. I find that with people that are insane/serial killers talking to them only makes the situation worse.

Jennifer Eugenia Espinosa said...

Be bitchy as well...

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