February 25, 2011

For Sale. Seriously.

The Assignment:
We want you to imagine you've just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child - you get the picture. You're mad. It's time for revenge.

What would you sell?

Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig's List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.

The Result:
For Sale: One 26.5 year old umbilical cord.
Free Gift with Purchase: the asshole and his mother currently connected by it.

I'm offering this item for the low, low price of $1.00. Or best offer. After 3 years of dealing with it, I am no longer interested in lugging this cord, or the unbelievable baggage that comes with it, around any longer.

I should warn you, the asshole is really quite charming. He'll open doors and make sure he tells you how nice your new hair cut looks. He also actually enjoys holding hands and snuggling, but don't be fooled. He comes as a package deal with that damn cord.

And the cord you ask? Well one end is attached to the asshole and the other to an elegant woman in her 50s who absolutely refuses to cut it. I can understand why she is hesitant to make that snip, because the cord is magical. Yup, it's magical. It has the ability to erase one's memory. It can also predict the future.

For instance, the fact that she referred to me as the slut her son was shacking up with to all of her friends, frequently in front of me, was cord-erased the moment her son was within hearing distance. That wily cord was also able to erase my name from her memory almost completely despite having heard it over and over during the last several years. And she was able to determine from very early on in the relationship that it would never last (and never hesitated to share that prediction with me).

Boy was she right. After 3 years of listening to her crap and watching the asshole jump at every tug of the cord, I have had enough. So offer away. If you love a bargain this one is for you, two for the price of one.

Serious offers only. The cord doesn't tolerate foolishness.


Quick disclaimer: This story is total fiction. Husband was feeling a little bad about you guys thinking he was corded up. Heh. I've been happily with him, cord free, for nearly 14 years. Love you Pants!