January 25, 2012

PYHO {It Still Hurts}

Don't miss the chance to Pour Your Heart Out with Shell at Things I Can't Say.

Infertility. It sucks. It's a dull ache that never goes away. It feels almost like a physical part of my body. Like, there's my left arm, left shoulder, infertility, right shoulder, right arm. Some days I don't really notice it. Some days (when it rains, heh) it acts up a little and I feel a twinge. Other days, and thankfully they aren't very often, a pain will rip through me with such surprising force that it takes my breath away.

There's an adoption reading challenge that I was thinking about participating in. You pick the number of adoption-related books you want to read and split them between fiction and non-fiction. I have a bunch written down that I want to read so I thought this would be a great excuse to push me into it. You know in all my free time.

So I pick a book and start reading. And 6 pages in had to put it down.

That's all it took. 6 simple pages of a fiction book and I was undone. That raw, empty, heartbreaking feeling I carried with me everyday at the beginning of this journey had rained down on me with the force of an avalanche. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't focus through the film of tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe how fresh the hurt still was.

I never thought I'd have to deal with infertility. And once I did, it never occurred to me that it would continue to hurt so much after we had a child.

But it does.